I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
