I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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