Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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