Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
