theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
