Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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