Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
