end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize