Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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