The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
