Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
