Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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