youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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