a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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