mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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