remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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