Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
