Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
