Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
