the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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