dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
