i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
