Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
