i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
