atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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