Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
