sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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