Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize