Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
