It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
