If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
