I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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