Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize