Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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