hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
