I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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