I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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