He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
