just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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