Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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