normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
