what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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