When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
