I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
