I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
