Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
