rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
