I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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