It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
