You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
