me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
