Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
