Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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