WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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