If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
