maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
