I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
