Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
