1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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