I saw his package. It spoke to me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
