I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
