I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
