respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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