there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
